Archive for the ‘Fake Education News’ Category

Bartenders Push For Tougher NCLB

FAKE EDUCATION NEWS –Atlanta, GA In a rare foray into education policy advocacy, the National Bartenders Association (NBA) will begin lobbying members of Congress next week for a tougher rewrite of the Bush-era national education law, No Child Left Behind. As originally written and passed in 2001, NCLB mandated that 100 percent of children be proficient in reading and math by 2013. Speaking from the group’s headquarters in Atlanta, David Craver, president of the NBA, told Teachbad Education Read more [...]

Racist Gym Teacher Closes Achievement Gap

FAKE EDUCATION NEWS –Philadelphia, PA Researchers and journalists from around the country have descended on Philadelphia this evening to document the frontier of education reform. In one east side Philly neighborhood, a teacher has quietly gone about his astounding, path-breaking work for three decades. If preliminary data for this year prove correct, physical education teacher Reggie Jackson of Charles Carroll High School has nearly closed the achievement gap. The Teachbad Education News Read more [...]

Teacher: Year Going “Pretty Shitty”

FAKE EDUCATION NEWS Omaha, NE– Tim Laudner, 26, is a second year history teacher at Norris Middle School in Omaha, NE. Mr. Laudner is not having a good year. He hasn’t lost all hope, but neither is he optimistic. I made an appointment to meet with Mr. Laudner before school to talk with him about his experiences as a second year teacher. We got right to it. Teachbad Education News (TEN): Thanks for agreeing to meet with me this morning. You told me over the phone that your first Read more [...]

Teacher Somehow Not Getting Fired

FAKE EDUCATION NEWS -Nashville, TN Jack Hiller, 27, had just read an email expressing hopes that he was having a “restful summer” and inviting him to “begin framing” himself for the 2011-12 school year. Teachers are to report to campus for a “mandatory professional development and Welcome Back! institute” beginning at 8:15am sharp on August 17. Students will return on August 29. The email also requires teachers to bring a short essay describing how “one of your educational heroes has shaped Read more [...]

Teachers Still In Favor Of Spring Break

FAKE EDUCATION NEWS -Everywhere, USA Spring Break balances that most delicate of…balances. Here, in America, most of us believe in the separation of church and state. Is Spring Break really about a “break”? Or is it some Overlord Christian Imperialist Double-Cheeseburger trying to convince you to eat those awful little marshmallow chickens and buy more fake plastic grass because Jesus has risen; probably all as backdrop to the United Egg Producers plan to rule the world? Or is it some sort Read more [...]

Teacher Loses It

FAKE EDUCATION NEWS –Nashville, TN Today started out as a perfectly normal workday for Davis Daniels, a 37-year-old third-grade teacher at Haywood Elementary School in Nashville, Tennessee. And it stayed pretty much just that way. Normal. But today, inexplicably, “perfectly normal” was just too fucking much for Mr. Daniels. Restrained in a straight jacket at the Vanderbilt Psychiatric Facility, Mr. Daniels takes a long drag from a cigarette held by his nine-year old son, Donald. “I can’t explain Read more [...]

Enraptured Teacher Forgets Own Birthday

FAKE EDUCATION NEWS –Montpelier, VT People are talking about Monica Starling. Especially the five people who had planned to take her out Friday night for her 27th birthday. Starling teaches algebra at Montpelier High School in Montpelier, VT. Sources tell Teachbad Education News (TEN) that Starling was so caught up in her work that she forgot her own birthday. TEN caught up with Ms. Starling for an exclusive interview. Teachbad Education News: We have heard reports at Teachbad Education News Read more [...]

Teacher Fakes Bomb Threat To End Faculty Meeting

FAKE EDUCATION NEWS Louisville, KY Just off the grounds of Fairdale High School in Louisville, KY a makeshift banner has been hung in honor of 11th grade English teacher Jason Cooley. The banner reads simply: “Thank You”. Flowers are strewn about, below and around the banner. An enormous heart has been constructed out of what appears to be PowerPoint handouts. A small group of teachers sits to one side in a circle with candles alight. They are singing. Mr. Cooley, 29, has been arrested and charged Read more [...]

Principal Seeks to Replace Student Body, Improve Scores

FAKE EDUCATION NEWS –Kansas City, KS In a bold move sure to spark debate in political and education circles, Karen Herbst, principal of J.C. Harmon High School in Kansas City, KS, is making a most unusual request. Principal Herbst has asked the Kansas State Commissioner of Education, Dr. Diane DeBacker, to replace the entire student body at J.C. Harmon High School with students from another high school where test scores are higher. In a letter to the Commissioner, Principal Herbst writes: Standardized Read more [...]

Biology Teacher Running Low on Toner

FAKE EDUCATION NEWS Juneau, AK- Christine Worthington, tenth grade biology teacher at Yaaḵoosgé Daakahídi Alternative High School in Juneau, Alaska, is getting nervous about toner. And sources say she should. With state-wide budget cuts and her general proclivity to be disorganized, Worthington may be in a bit of a pickle. Worthington confesses to routinely printing readings, worksheets and other handouts for the whole class from her classroom laser printer. “I know it’s not sustainable and Read more [...]