Bartenders Push For Tougher NCLB
FAKE EDUCATION NEWS
–Atlanta, GA
In a rare foray into education policy advocacy, the National Bartenders Association (NBA) will begin lobbying members of Congress next week for a tougher rewrite of the Bush-era national education law, No Child Left Behind. As originally written and passed in 2001, NCLB mandated that 100 percent of children be proficient in reading and math by 2013.
Speaking from the group’s headquarters in Atlanta, David Craver, president of the NBA, told Teachbad Education News (TEN) that the original goal of 100 percent proficiency was “pretty good” but that his organization is dismayed by the Obama Administration’s “dialing back” many of the law’s requirements.
Says Craver, “Frankly, and with all due respect, we believe [Education Secretary] Arne Duncan is being a bit of a pussy on this. He’s handing out money and waivers to states left and right who have simply not performed under the law. We think this is the wrong way to go. Rather than back down from a challenge, we will push for upping the anti ante. We want a rewrite of NCLB to mandate that 110 percent of children be proficient in reading and math by 2016. If children aren’t worth 110 percent, then who is? We need to pull together as a nation to get this important work done. We need to raise the bar. This isn’t about selling booze to teachers. This is about our children and our future.”
Another source within the NBA, who wished to remain anonymous, said that “this is absolutely 100 percent about selling booze to teachers. Bars in urban neighborhoods close to schools started seeing more teachers through the door in about 2004. It spread to the suburbs a couple years later and now everybody is pretty fucked because you can’t get 100 percent proficiency. I can’t even get 100 percent of my two kids to flush the toilet in my own home. Teachers are tying themselves in knots over this…how do you make a class harder and easier at the same time?…we are the people who help them unwind. What did Craver say…’we need to raise the bar’? I think he meant we need teachers raising their glasses at the bar….From a bartender’s perspective, teaching has become the perfect job. It’s a combination of tedium, stress and guaranteed failure. Any one of these is great to draw your regulars at happy hour. With teachers, we hit the trifecta under NCLB. Cheers!”
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This is hilarious. We might as well go for 100% by 2016. It makes about as much sense as the original NCLB. Great article.
Perfect! Let’s go for 110% at the bar.
I have long been puzzled as to why we are stopping at 100%. I have seen Maury, where women are frequently 1000% sure who the daddy is, and they can still be wrong most of the time.
It is similar to defining the reading grade level as the level that 50% of the kids reach, and then proclaiming national disappointment that half the kids are below grade level, and that this has not improved for 40 years.
I blame the math teachers. Clearly we have not taught the basic concepts of mean, median, and percent to our fearless leaders. Luckily these leaders are demonstrating that kids can still make a good living without knowing the basic concepts of math, provided their dad has a lot of money.
tb-
This is your best effort to date. If the good folks at The Onion don’t sign you or at least hang you with some contract talk, call me. I have purchased a lottery ticket for Wednesday’s big one…my money, your word processor. Let’s do it.
Thanks. I’m in. What’s this “Onion” you speak of?
http://www.theonion.com
Hate to be pedantic, but you know with that opening I’m going to be.
It’s “ante” not “anti.”
Sorry, now I’ll go sit and the corner and contemplate self-loathing.
Really, Friday? Your only comment is a spelling correction? That’s cold.
Get back in the corner.
I actually thought that “anti” worked pretty well there. Anti-teacher, anti-students, anti-logic… the “anti” possibilities of NCLB are positively endless!
Got through my first three years of teaching with self-mandated margarita Fridays. I became a first rate blender master. As a result I now can’t smell, much less drink tequila. Ah, youth. As a side note, I now am making it through my two teenage daughters’ teen years with much prayer and the doctor approved 2-3 glasses of wine a week. I am one of a small minority longing for September. Sorry guys, not a traitor, just a worn out mom of teen girls longing for the free public school baby sitting services!
I’ll drink to that!
Side effect of teaching high school for nine years: I am now the best bartender of any of my friends. And I even still like my job. Want my mango margarita recipe?
Ok now that might persuade me back to tequila…
One mango, peeled and diced. Juice of one lime (fresh, please). 1/2 ounce Triple Sec. However much tequila you feel you need. All in the blender with a double handful of ice and buzz it at top speed for a good long time. Under-blending is the death of many a frozen drink. It has fresh fruit in it, so you can tell yourself it’s health food. Enjoy.
I knew there was a reason why 60% of the staff at my school (including yours truly) has cirrhosis… and we just thought it was the kids!