Bartenders Push For Tougher NCLB

FAKE EDUCATION NEWS

–Atlanta, GA

In a rare foray into education policy advocacy, the National Bartenders Association (NBA) will begin lobbying members of Congress next week for a tougher rewrite of the Bush-era national education law, No Child Left Behind. As originally written and passed in 2001, NCLB mandated that 100 percent of children be proficient in reading and math by 2013.

Speaking from the group’s headquarters in Atlanta, David Craver, president of the NBA, told Teachbad Education News (TEN) that the original goal of 100 percent proficiency was “pretty good” but that his organization is dismayed by the Obama Administration’s “dialing back” many of the law’s requirements.

Says Craver, “Frankly, and with all due respect, we believe [Education Secretary] Arne Duncan is being a bit of a pussy on this. He’s handing out money and waivers to states left and right who have simply not performed under the law. We think this is the wrong way to go. Rather than back down from a challenge, we will push for upping the anti ante. We want a rewrite of NCLB to mandate that 110 percent of children be proficient in reading and math by 2016. If children aren’t worth 110 percent, then who is? We need to pull together as a nation to get this important work done. We need to raise the bar. This isn’t about selling booze to teachers. This is about our children and our future.”

Another source within the NBA, who wished to remain anonymous, said that “this is absolutely 100 percent about selling booze to teachers. Bars in urban neighborhoods close to schools started seeing more teachers through the door in about 2004. It spread to the suburbs a couple years later and now everybody is pretty fucked because you can’t get 100 percent proficiency. I can’t even get 100 percent of my two kids to flush the toilet in my own home. Teachers are tying themselves in knots over this…how do you make a class harder and easier at the same time?…we are the people who help them unwind. What did Craver say…’we need to raise the bar’? I think he meant we need teachers raising their glasses at the bar….From a bartender’s perspective, teaching has become the perfect job. It’s a combination of tedium, stress and guaranteed failure. Any one of these is great to draw your regulars at happy hour. With teachers, we hit the trifecta under NCLB. Cheers!”

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