Michelle Rhee, Superstar

Wow, Michelle Rhee.

I’d like to hitch my wagon to yours. I mean, we both know there is no evidence that you know much about much. Including teaching. It seems you were a mediocre or maybe even a pretty good teacher for…what was it…two years? “Two and through”, am I right?

Anyway, destiny was calling.

You are pushy, stubborn, self-righteous and ambitious. Those qualities can get one far almost anywhere. Very far. But I see little more than this in you. I don’t believe you care any more about kids than anybody else who says they care about kids, which is everybody.

You are a brash sack of talking points.

Or maybe you are just so much smarter than everybody else that you could see, in your two years as a teacher, exactly what was wrong with everything about American education and how to fix it. The Vision of a Visionary.

But how? How does somebody become like this? I think it’s because you ate that bee. You ate a damn bee.

And instead of it stinging your tongue, your tongue swelling up, and you suffocating; it traveled to your brain and stung the narcissis-giagantus complex in the rear quarter of the basal frontal lobe, which is located in the bitchus-maximus anterior, close to the starboard side front wall of the asshole region of the brain. It’s like a crazy Spider Man sort of coincidence, only not useful. (Though they did make a movie about it, didn’t they, Superwoman?)

So, it happened. It all came together for you.

A new mayor in Washington, DC had been able to take control of the schools. He picked you and more or less said, “Do whatever the fuck you want. You can’t possibly make it any worse.” Plus, you’re Asian. So the traditional and very stark black-white racial divide in this town was more or less circumvented on the education reform issue when people realized they couldn’t attack you for being either black or white. Brilliant.

You fired a whole mess of people and implemented a teacher assessment rubric that you goddamn well know you would never have ever in a billion years consented to work under during your brief, brief stint as a bee-eating uber-teacher. You are far too talented. Your vision too deep. Your thoughts too complex and insightful. Your love and concern for children too profound for mere words. An uncompromising firebrand on a mission of ambition.

You showed us the way.

But you left DC…you left us here with Kaya and Jason.

Goddamn little Jason.

You may have been fired by the next mayor. Or maybe not. But you clearly didn’t try to make it work, what with calling the new mayor’s election “devastating for the schoolchildren of Washington, D.C.” You sort of wrote your own ticket out, and nobody believes that was an accident.

You were too principled to not hold back. If I can’t do absolutely anything I want at all times, then it is no good. Even so, you may have stayed in DC and continued to work with the school system because you care about these kids so very, very much. Maybe with a non-profit you could have started to work with DC schools. No…

We know that you were not meant to be a teacher. Neither were you meant to be some half-assed local hero tutoring kids after school or handing out free pencils at CVS. Lame shit like this does not befit you. Your innate talent, judgement and wisdom is so vast and useful that it should be a crime for you to not be in charge of all school reform everywhere. (You and maybe Gates.)

Plus, it’s time to get freakin’ rich!!! Whooooo-hooooooooo!!!

Even when you were in DC, you were getting paid more than the mayor. (How did you do that?)

After that election that was so “devastating for the schoolchildren of Washington, DC” you seem to have landed on your feet.

Oh, my great goodness!!!

My little Ms. Rhee is all growed up! Now she’s charging $35,000-50,000 per speech. She’s that good, my little Ms. Rhee, Superstar.

Can you really look anybody in the eye right now and say that what you care about most is children?

Finally, on a personal note, I would like to announce that since reading the article about how much she gets paid for a speech, my Asian fetish is officially 100% cured. Rhee had been chipping away at it for several years; single-handedly, brick by brick. But this is like the last scene in The Wall when it all finally just blows apart, forever.

She can do anything. I love her…wait…

Mr. Teachbad


  1. Mrs. Teachbad
  2. OlliOlli

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