Teacher Somehow Not Getting Fired
FAKE EDUCATION NEWS
-Nashville, TN
Jack Hiller, 27, had just read an email expressing hopes that he was having a “restful summer” and inviting him to “begin framing” himself for the 2011-12 school year. Teachers are to report to campus for a “mandatory professional development and Welcome Back! institute” beginning at 8:15am sharp on August 17. Students will return on August 29. The email also requires teachers to bring a short essay describing how “one of your educational heroes has shaped your practice” to share with teachers new to the McMurray Family.
Hiller, to his great alarm, apparently still teaches math at McMurray Middle School in Nashville, TN.
“That email made my heart jump like you wouldn’t believe”, said Hiller. “I assumed I had been fired and the letter had been lost. I called downtown right away to see if there had been some mistake and maybe I just didn’t get taken off the list. She was like ‘no, you are still employed with MNPS [Metropolitan Nashville Public Schools] in good standing. Any termination letters would have been mailed weeks ago and I have no record’….blah, blah blah…so it turns out I still have this awful job. Then I just panicked…Could I really be going back there? I don’t think I can stand it another year…I’m serious.”
Hiller’s voice trails off as a single tear runs down his cheek. He turns away and begins to cry softly. He is trembling. Hiller drops to his knees and raises his hands in the air like Willem Dafoe in Platoon; over and over screaming, “WHY? WHY? WHY!?!”
After several minutes Hiller composes himself and is able to put his disbelief into words.
“I have been nauseous and waking up soaked in sweat for a week now. All I can think about is lesson planning and dumb-ass staff meetings….OH MY GOD! Do you understand!? I’m going to have to go back there….this…this is crazy! I thought I had positioned myself to unquestionably be let go in a budget cut or something. I really tried.
I peed in the drinking fountain.
I call all the Hispanic kids Speedy Gonzales.
I have lost every textbook I’ve ever been issued.
I am banging a student’s mom.
I come to school high.
I told my principal she was “looking chunky”.
I constantly interrupt at staff meetings.
I turn everything in late.
I left two muff shots on my classroom computer desktop.
I steal office supplies.
I refuse to participate in fire drills or assemblies.
I don’t answer my phone or return emails.
Jeezus…what else do I have to do?…This is terrible.”
I thought I was the only person in the world ALREADY having panic attacks about September. I recently went on vacation to a tropical country and seriously considered ditching my passport in the toilet, getting lost in the jungle, and claiming amnesia so I wouldn’t have to go back.
I also am having trouble relaxing knowing that I have to go back to work in September. Given our new “Standards of Teaching”, which set up every teacher to eventually fail, I am ready for an even worse year than the last few have been.
I can top that. On June 7, 2011 *I was laid off!!*
Picture it: a carefree summer stretching all the way into September and beyond. No lesson plans, no “gotcha” walk-throughs, no snotty, dumb-ass kids or colleagues.
Just sleeping late, breakfast out and enjoying leisurely visits to coffee shops and bookstores while collecting checks from Mr. Unemployment Office. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
Then (cue music from Jaws)
A letter from the District. In essence it says, “We didn’t mean it. You’re back – and welcome!!”
Oh the horror.
Mine is the worst. Only 32% of my idiots, I mean darlings, were proficient on the science FCAT. My principal told me that we are making progress and we’ll do better next year. This summer got a new principal who is “data driven.” So instead of science, I am now a social studies teacher. The horror, the horror.
Apparently someone in my school figured out how to please the Data Gods, at least temporarily. Now we’re under investigation for cheating on the state tests.
(Just sayin’, not suggesting)
I’ve been done with teaching since May. Just now, a full 2 months later, I am starting to feel human. The teaching profession and the professional and personal attacks on teachers are complete bullshit. I am not looking forward to August. I’m getting older and not holding in much. When parents come to talk to me about the lack of progress their child is making, I might just tell them that their drinking and drugging while pregnant with their little princess has completely fucked up any chances for normal development, and that she will probably grow up to be a drunken whore like mommy is. Or I might tell them that sending their child over to Uncle Chester the Molester’s house to “borrow money” while he attempts to finger fuck them, YET AGAIN, may be having a deleterious effect on the child’s ability to focus during class. Yes, it was referred to the proper authorities as is mandated by law and they ‘investigated’ whatever the hell that means. All I know is that even after the so-called investigation, the poor girl kept being sent over there by her mom to ‘borrow money’. OMG I am having a panic attack just thinking about entering the school again and dealing with all those awful people–the parents, admin, and staff. Must. Go. Medicate. And I’ll be sure to wash it down with a nice tall G & T.
My heart goes out to you still in the trenches. This will be the first autumn in decades that I will enjoy, rather than dread. My school was actually not a bad place to work, but aging wore me down so that it was exhausting to do all the planning, correcting, meeting, paperwork, and administrivia that goes with the job.
I wish you all a good year…I hope you all get students and parents straight out of Father Knows Best (well, Bud could be a PITA, and Robert Young was known to hit the bottle on occasion, but still…); and I hope that your administrators have the wit and wisdom of Our Miss Brooks.
May it snow enough for you to get a few days off in winter, but stay cool enough in fall and spring to keep those adolescent sweat glands in check.
May all your students show up for the NCLB high-stakes exams, and may they be rested, fed, awake, sober, and willing to actually read the questions and answer appropriately.
May no one hack your Facebook page and photoshop pix of you in unspeakable ways.
May your class sizes be small, and your teacher contract negotiations be swift and fair.
May your worst students move out of the district
May fire drills occur on only the nicest of days, and not during your free period.
May you have study hall duty rather than lunch duty; may you never get spinach between your teeth, nor gum stuck to your shoe.
May your faculty meetings be short and effective, and include food, preferably some form of chocolate.
Be strong, and thank you for all that you continue to do in your classrooms.
totally stealing “administrivia.” thanks!
Old habits die hard….was in the store yesterday and walked by the ” Back to School” aisle. Without thinking, I put a couple of items into my basket. Then I “snapped” I retired in May. Put the items back and laughed all the way to check-out…
Ahahahah Sean! What a fantastic feeling, eh?!
Best feeling ever!!!!!!
Oh, this post would be funny if I hadn’t just received my welcome back letter and attached two-day meeting agenda. The new principal is going to share his list of non-negotiables with us between 12:10 and 12:30 and after lunch, when we are at our peak of effectiveness, we will be discussing how our committees will involve all stakeholders in the data collection or decision making process.
FML!
I was going to be upbeat and optimistic this year but I have failed already and school hasn’t even started.
I was fired and I’m not going back into the classroom at all, ever! I teach on line to adults and kids who really want to learn. I teach conversation (!) grammar, literature and composition. I love it! Best teaching job I’ve ever had! You can’t get me back into the classroom!
Good for you, Rachel. Are you part of an organization for online teaching, or did you create your own website? It sounds like you’re teaching a foreign language – is that right?
Damn. Is it August already? Just got the “Hey Bastard, Summer’s Over” email from my principal. In it: Oh, you’re going to be out the building for three and a half of the 5 days before your darlings come back for (Insert Bullshit New Curriculum Being Imposed on Us Here) training and other shit, so you won’t have the contractually-obligated 1.5 days to prepare your room. Oh, you can come in a week earlier to do that. BTW: enjoy whats left of your summer…
Soulless bastard! So I have to give up my final week of freedom before I return to prison, I mean school because you want to train us on this new (Insert Bullshit New Curriculum Being Forced Down Our Throat here) crap? DCPS. Don’t you just love them? -_-
I’ve had to back-to-school nightmares already and it’s only July. I usually get those the week before I go back to work.
I remember 2 years ago I got pink slipped. While a part of me was upset, there was a part of me that I told no one about, and that part was relieved. I had dreams of collecting unemployment, giving me time to look for non-classroom jobs amongst adults.
When I was reinstated, I felt relieved, while the secret part of me felt upset.
Teaching: Damned if you do; Damned if you don’t.
yes the fing nitmares of knowing you GOTS to go back………. waking up early to sit at a meeting to introduce all the new assholes( adminstrators) and get told what the new bullshit will be………… yes the bullshit machine will be at full blast… just gotz to stay up wind… god what a life.. new smartass kids who know the way to get you in trouble.. moms who deny to themselves their princess is a little wannabee whore.. the lets not forget the 33 percent who come to klass and just vegetate…and vegetate…cuz their brain is unable to function at a normal level… yeah and we are supposed to REACH THEM ALL… really…
if god or jesus luvs me he will show me the light to a better life… IN THE LORDS NAME I PRAY…
Ok…I’m going back to a new building administrator…..the best that I’ve heard about her is that she is a soul-less micromanaging b#*&%! We have been moved into a temporary building for 2 years while our building is being remodeled so I get to go in early (unpaid) to set up my room and meet the new principal…the joy just never ends…even in the summer! Wish me luck!