Teacher Somehow Not Getting Fired
FAKE EDUCATION NEWS
Jack Hiller, 27, had just read an email expressing hopes that he was having a “restful summer” and inviting him to “begin framing” himself for the 2011-12 school year. Teachers are to report to campus for a “mandatory professional development and Welcome Back! institute” beginning at 8:15am sharp on August 17. Students will return on August 29. The email also requires teachers to bring a short essay describing how “one of your educational heroes has shaped your practice” to share with teachers new to the McMurray Family.
Hiller, to his great alarm, apparently still teaches math at McMurray Middle School in Nashville, TN.
“That email made my heart jump like you wouldn’t believe”, said Hiller. “I assumed I had been fired and the letter had been lost. I called downtown right away to see if there had been some mistake and maybe I just didn’t get taken off the list. She was like ‘no, you are still employed with MNPS [Metropolitan Nashville Public Schools] in good standing. Any termination letters would have been mailed weeks ago and I have no record’….blah, blah blah…so it turns out I still have this awful job. Then I just panicked…Could I really be going back there? I don’t think I can stand it another year…I’m serious.”
Hiller’s voice trails off as a single tear runs down his cheek. He turns away and begins to cry softly. He is trembling. Hiller drops to his knees and raises his hands in the air like Willem Dafoe in Platoon; over and over screaming, “WHY? WHY? WHY!?!”
After several minutes Hiller composes himself and is able to put his disbelief into words.
“I have been nauseous and waking up soaked in sweat for a week now. All I can think about is lesson planning and dumb-ass staff meetings….OH MY GOD! Do you understand!? I’m going to have to go back there….this…this is crazy! I thought I had positioned myself to unquestionably be let go in a budget cut or something. I really tried.
I peed in the drinking fountain.
I call all the Hispanic kids Speedy Gonzales.
I have lost every textbook I’ve ever been issued.
I am banging a student’s mom.
I come to school high.
I told my principal she was “looking chunky”.
I constantly interrupt at staff meetings.
I turn everything in late.
I left two muff shots on my classroom computer desktop.
I steal office supplies.
I refuse to participate in fire drills or assemblies.
I don’t answer my phone or return emails.
Jeezus…what else do I have to do?…This is terrible.”