Dear May: I Know Your Tricks
It’s finally the end of April.
Happy Friday and good riddance to another month. Now comes May. Pretty cool, right? Almost done.
But listen, Month of May…get outta my face. You suck.
You think you are so great:
Hey, Teachers…look at me. I’m MAY!! I’m not like Dickhead March who’s cold, but can never seem to muster up a snow day. And I’m way better than Moody April who will be sunny during the week and then piss cold rain on you all weekend. No, that’s not me. I’m different. I’m what you want. And when you see me, you know the school year is almost done. Plus, I give you Memorial Day. Then you get that giant, sweet vacation in the summer. Yeah…you can smell it, can’t you? You’re almost at the finish line. I’m awesome!
May, let me tell you; you are the worst tease in the whole world. I hate you and you suck.
You are warm. And you know we all get swept away with your longer days, grass, flowers, shorts, sandals, drinks on the patio, and the overall pleasantness you have to offer with your bug-free warmth and low humidity. And, to be fair, we all thank you for that.
But all the same, May, you can bloody well piss off. (Congratulations, William and Commoner!!)
Memorial Day? Are you seriously bragging about that? You didn’t have anything to do with creating Memorial Day. Are you a veteran? What war did you die in? Plus, that’s way at the end of the month. I don’t even know the exact date…that’s how far away it is from now. And do you know what comes before Memorial Day? A whole goddamn month of school, that’s what. Memorial Day?
Oh, and what else did you say about vacation? It’s coming up soon or something like that? Right? Well, Month of May, after your beloved Memorial Day, most teachers will enter The Chaos of Nothingness and Bullshit. They will be trapped there for about three weeks; long after your stupid-ass Memorial Day is gone and doing shots off Labor Day’s butt crack on a beach somewhere in Belize or Key West.
We have a long way to go, May. And you are trying to trick us, yet again. So, May, go fuck yourself. And tell your friend Labor Day, who used to be at the end of the summer but is now in the middle of the first quarter, to do the same.