FAKE EDUCATION NEWS
Spring Break balances that most delicate of…balances.
Here, in America, most of us believe in the separation of church and state. Is Spring Break really about a “break”? Or is it some Overlord Christian Imperialist Double-Cheeseburger trying to convince you to eat those awful little marshmallow chickens and buy more fake plastic grass because Jesus has risen; probably all as backdrop to the United Egg Producers plan to rule the world? Or is it some sort of Zionist Plot to stop you from working so that you’ll be more likely to sit on your ass and watch Jewish-controlled media while not going to Chipotle at lunch for carnitas burritos?
It’s hard to tell. But these are the questions that Teachbad Education News (TEN) is utterly unqualified to answer.
(Egg facts: 1. It is estimated that the 2010 US per capita consumption of eggs was 246. That’s a lot of eggs. For everybody; 2. Indiana is the 4th largest egg-producing state in the US.
But we digress…
In not answering, or caring, about the important questions, TEN has uncovered a story so transparently transparent, obvious, and self-evident that only a semi-retarded journalist from a fake news organization would dare touch it.
It’s that hot.
It turns out that teachers around the country strongly support Spring Break. But don’t take our word for it…
TEN has tracked down some of the subjects of past Fake Education News stories to see how they are spending Spring Break. Here’s what they had to say:
Mr. Dickstench: We already had spring break in March. It was great but now everything sucks. Why are you talking to me about spring break? Just rubbing it in? I put together my daughter’s new bed. That was two days and three bloody knuckles. But it was better than teaching, I guess.
Jason Cooley: (Mr. Coolley is on probation for making terrorist threats.) Well, I can’t really go anywhere because of the charges…but I would like to point out that there was never any real bomb. Anyway, I’m pretty much going to sit around. Do some reading. I might try to fix the stairs outside. I’ve been toying with the idea of a garden. But mostly it’s just nice to sit down and not have to get up. That’s what I’m focused on.
Derrick Bradley: I’m still pretty much broke. Teaching summer school last year did not seem to make a noticable dent in my personal financial fuck-fest. I’m going to stay here. There is no way I can afford to go to home to Rhode Island. And I don’t really want to. If I can keep the weed connect up…good.
Abbie Newsom: Abbie is a bit of a bitch, and a little scary. But she has some spring break tips that everyone can use. Enjoy! Listen. Mexican circus performers about 75 miles southwest of Tijuana. A case of Herradura and an ounce of weed. Happy Spring Break!!!
Alan Holcomb: The papers never got graded. He made up the grades. Anyway, Holcomb is kickin’ it live in MIAMI!!! He’s been having fun with friends and enjoying some quiet time. Here’s a little rap he wrote about his Spring Break:
Umbrella in my drink
I look like a dick
Now I better think
Somethin’ up quick
I’m a gangsta, I’m drunk, and also I’m a poet
Shoot your ass dead before you even know it
Burn your garden down before you start to grow it
Mutha Fucka’s got money?, then you best show it
Ladies in line and they wavin’ they cash
They lookin’ for a ride on my…
…OK…Alan…Thank you. This is a family blog.
Anyway, all of us here at Teachbad Education News hope you have a great Spring Break. (Or, if you had it already, we hope it was fantastic.)