Teacher Fakes Bomb Threat To End Faculty Meeting

FAKE EDUCATION NEWS

Louisville, KY

Just off the grounds of Fairdale High School in Louisville, KY a makeshift banner has been hung in honor of 11th grade English teacher Jason Cooley. The banner reads simply: “Thank You”. Flowers are strewn about, below and around the banner. An enormous heart has been constructed out of what appears to be PowerPoint handouts. A small group of teachers sits to one side in a circle with candles alight. They are singing.

Mr. Cooley, 29, has been arrested and charged with one felony count of false public alarm for calling in a fake bomb threat at Fairdale High during a faculty meeting. Mr. Cooley is currently in federal custody with bond set at $10,000.

Sources attending the meeting all reported the same sequence of events, though all but one wished to remain anonymous. The meeting began normally with the principal offering a hollow thank you to everybody for all their hard work. Then came a number of announcements; though sources could not recall any of them. One teacher thought one of the announcements might have been about a future workshop on enhancement or compliance with “some damn thing or another.”

Tension seems to have begun rising in the room when a district representative announced to the faculty that as of the second semester all teachers would be required to use the same online gradebook, cobbled together with shitty district software. The 42-slide PowerPoint explaining the new online gradebook was allegedly legible neither on screen nor in the handouts.

Said one source, “These aren’t really ‘meetings’, you know? We don’t discuss and decide things. Teachers decide nothing. These are just gatherings where directives are handed down or we are subjected to inhumane and useless professional development ‘opportunities’….But that’s all normal. I think Jay [Mr. Cooley] really started to lose it when the guy from downtown left and we had to get into groups…he always hates that shit.”

Teachers were asked to get into groups of four and write down one experience they had as a student with a teacher that impacted them profoundly in a positive way. They had 4 minutes to write. Then they were to share this experience with a partner at the table; three minutes each. Each table was then to choose a “scribe” to summarize all four stories on flip chart paper prior to a gallery walk. Cooley became increasingly agitated throughout the activity reports his ‘think-pair-share’ table partner, Amy Koltoff.

Says Koltoff, “Jay always hates this shit; like 92 percent of us. You just go along, swallow your dignity, smile and nod. That’s the code. But that day was different. When they told us that each table would have to act out one of our ‘special teaching moments’, he turned real pale. He dropped under the table and I thought he was going to be sick. Then I saw he had his cell phone out. Seven minutes later the building was evacuated. Jay is a hero.”

Speaking in a statement through his lawyer, Cooley said: “After three days, jail is still way better.”

The crowd outside Fairdale High continues to grow. The singing is now louder.

(P.S. — Here is a messed up REAL story from Louisville.)

(P.S.S– Let’s be friends)

UPDATE: Here is a real article about this real school, Fairdale in Louisville. This numbers BS sounds an AWFUL lot like my school.

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18 Responses to Teacher Fakes Bomb Threat To End Faculty Meeting

  1. Sean says:

    ” After three days, jail is much better.”
    I have in-service on Monday, Jan. 3rd. I am thinking about calling in sick. It all concerns next year’s inclusion programs for SPED. I am retiring in May, so how is this shit going involve me?
    Fuck ‘em.

  2. Colette says:

    This is hilarious because this type of faculty meeting is indeed a scenario that is universally and pathetically repeated nationwide in our public schools on a regular basis.

    The “Think-Pair-Share” – the “scribes” -the “flip charts” – the “gallery” – I just attended one of these meetings last month! I thought I was going to plotz ! And, of course, we were subjected to the obligatory PowerPoint presentation…could it be any drier or more boring? And these are the same people who tell us in the classroom to “engage” our students so that they will be “motivated” learners.

    Yeah, right…and they pay these people how much more than we make? Spare me!

  3. Awesome! And unfortunately, so TRUE. We had a faculty meeting the hour before school was out on Friday before Christmas. The principal basically just ragged on everyone and said there would be changes in the spring and so we better all be on board (though none of the changes were explained). Then, he had the audacity to try and get us to sing a Christmas carol!!!

    • Sean says:

      Man, what is wrong with these people….rag on you before you leave for the holiday, going to be changes and then no explanation, then the principal has the never to ask you to sing a carol… What an a-hole you have for a principal….I’m sorry man, I am so sorry.

    • Delia says:

      We had the traditional holiday party which involved us bringing the food, setting up the tables, decorating and then cleaning up.

  4. Cupcake says:

    This blog is great!

    Here in Texas, we in the corrupt, ineffective, mammoth, inner-city districts are subjected to the same think-pair-share/gallery walk/chart tablet trainings. I had no idea it was so widespread.

    I refuse to use any of it with my usually low-performing students. No groupings, no talking, no chart tablets. Sit up or stand up. No pencil? If someone else won’t loan you one, you can sit there the whole period after my 1-minute rant about the difference between a hardworker and a passive mouth-breather.

    And guess what: my results are really good, especially on the state test. Most importantly, droves of kids tell me they never liked my subject area before they had me. Who knew…

    I call it Behavioral Rigor, a term I should trademark before the educrats finally figure out it’s what works.

  5. Hahaha – I love the image of a teacher under a desk dialing in a bomb threat. Beautiful.

  6. Marybeth says:

    Ahhhhh! Thank you for making me laugh out loud…all too close to the truth with the exception of the bomb threat. I’ve never worked with anyone who had the balls to do that!

  7. Hahahahahahaha!! absolutely fabulous!

    I’ m scheduling elective surgery for the spring so I can miss 4-6 glorious weeks of end of the year data shuffling, recriminations, “reflections” and everything else. Yes, it has come to that.

  8. Teacher of the F-ing Year says:

    Oh jeez! We have a meeting tomorrow and will be forced to watch the power point that we were forced to “contribute to” before the break. Nobody wanted to do it, nobody wants to watch it, and I’m pretty sure there will be groupings and sharing. I’ll pay somebody to phone in a bomb threat!

  9. I have a meeting with my principal during my planning hour tomorrow–because, of course, I have nothing else to do during my planning hour. Somebody call it in!

  10. Nikki says:

    Mr. Teachbad, I wanna have your baby!

    Seriously, though—I’ve been teaching for 17 years and laughed my a** off. Then I let my mom—who is retired after 33 years of teaching—read it and she laughed her a** off. In addition, all the co-workers I shared it with want to start a secret fund to buy a disposable phone and pay the homeless guy who stands at the freeway on-ramp to call in bomb threats whenever we have a meeting!

    Brilliant, sir. Truly brilliant.

  11. RIF RAF says:

    I’ve been RIF’d (reduction in force – fancy name for laid off) for the past 1.5 years. The only acronym I hate more than RIF is ACE, which is my (old) districts name for the mind numbing meetings we had each week.
    Another funny one: District decided that teachers could not be “trusted” to have their grade level meetings in a room of their choice. All grade levels had to meet at a prescribed table in the multi-purpose room, where the principal could walk around and listen in on what you were talking about.

  12. Mary says:

    Down here in Fla we occasionally have a teacher forget and bring their gun to school but no one has been so brilliantly deviant about Faculty meetings. Last year I started calling in sick on in-service days and then coming to school and working in my room and several other teachers started to do the same thing. Someone pointed out to us we could actually stay home instead of working in our rooms and we had not considered that option. This is my retirement year and I have lots of comp time for doing extra stuff like a big Saturday cleanup on our school trail so I am planning to take our monthly half day in service times off with the comp time since you can only use it during “non student contact time” and an AP informed me that I was avoiding the in-service. So what did they give me this comp time for? I am taking it!
    Great post made me laugh out loud! ;-)

  13. an admirer of the blog says:

    I just discovered these posts and have already alerted my colleagues via facebook. I looove what you write. Keep them coming. Lord knows I need a good laugh going through the current backlash against teachers in Indiana.

  14. loving this blog says:

    The first year of teaching, the first teacher’s meeting-I kid you not, we spent over an HOUR discussing the merit of the dress code as it related to socks. Yes, socks.

    I now bring all of my papers that need to be graded, sit in the back, and slink down when a “think-pair-share” activity is announced. Because what happens? Oh, yes. I am stuck with the “I can’t tell how much perfume is too much” teacher who didn’t listen at all to any instructions. (Yes, I’m grading. But I also listen. What’s her excuse?)

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