FAKE EDUCATION NEWS
Trent Jakob, eighth grade Earth sciences teacher, was surrounded by family and friends as he tearfully spoke to reporters this morning in front of the Andrew J. Brown Academy Middle School in Indianapolis, IN. After years of denial and excuses, Mr. Jakob finally admitted that the achievement gap was the work of none other but himself.
A transcript of his remarks follows:
I stand before you today, a broken man with a heavy heart. It is so heavy because it is filled with shame….tightly-packed shame made of iridium and lead…I do not deserve golden shame, and it is not as dense an element anyway.
For nine years I have held the sacred trust of the Great State of Indiana, the good people of Marion County, and the below-average children and parents of the Andrew J. Brown Academy Middle School. I have let you all down. And I am sorry.
As you may know, scores fell at our school last year. I believe this is a direct result of my ineffectiveness as an educator. I am a bad teacher and a bad man. What sort of person would teach for nine years and see test scores drop on his watch in this way? We are all connected. What happens here affects everyone, everywhere.
Some people would have you believe that the achievement gap is the result of shitty parenting, poverty, and toxic neighborhoods. I am here to tell you that these people are pussies and they don’t believe in children. I have allowed them to corrupt me. The intergalactic achievement gap is my fault and mine alone.
As evidence of my treachery I submit the following:
I don’t call parents that much. Forgive me…but they are not all that helpful.
I have been late turning in weekly lesson plans.
Sometimes I think of the warm-up activity just as the students are coming into class, or slightly after.
I have not provided kinesthetic learners with enough opportunities to demonstrate mastery of content through clapping and jumping.
I have not fully differentiated for every possible learning style and ability level.
My expectations have not been high enough.
Don’t even get me started on my lack of rigor.
I have not given more difficult work to my students who can’t do the easy shit.
I have not taken the proper time and care to ensure that there exists some parallel universe in which whatever this one psycho girl writes meets the standards of the assignment and she graduates.
The jig is up
The news is out
They finally found me
The renegade who had it made
Returned for the bounty*
I can only pray that God and America will forgive me.
*This is from the Styx song Renegade, for which I couldn’t find a good YouTube video. Forgive me.
—By the way, I have nominated myself for a Bloggers’ Choice Award for Education. If you would like to support this effort, click the link below. And thank you. I have been gratified by the response to this blog, which was originally intended simply to keep me from going crazy, hurting someone, and going to jail.