FAKE EDUCATION NEWS
Abbie Newsom is a 27 year-old English teacher at McNicole Middle School in Hollywood, Florida. She reports being “totally psyched” to get the same room as last year.
“I saved all of my posters and stuff so it all just goes right in the same spot. That is such a time saver while I’m getting my room ready for the kids! I want to add to my text-rich environment and having certain things in place will make that A LOT easier! You can’t even imagine how awesome this is! Plus all my students will know exactly where I am and they can find me anytime!
“AND all the staplers, thumbtacks, post-it notes, tasers, glue sticks, staple removers, markers, nipple clamps, erasers, copy paper, plastic storage crates, xanax, pencil sharpeners, roach clips, rulers, ash trays, flip chart paper, medical waste bins, tape, dildos, pencils, old newspapers, bottle openers, vaseline, three-hole punchers, protractors, calculators, handcuffs, bulletin boards, etc are all just where I left them! Yeah!!”
Another benefit of keeping the same room could be that the people who were your neighbors last year are near you again. Teachers, like cops and political scientists, have a special bond that cannot be easily penetrated by outsiders. The bond grows stronger with time. But most people on Abbey Newsom’s third floor have either resigned over the summer or been reassigned to different rooms on different floors.
“This is an opportnity”, notes Newsom. “These new people…shit…they couldn’t find their asses with both hands behind their backs. This is awesome. I’ve been on this floor, in this room, for three years and I know what the fuckin’ score is. I own this place. Make no mistake. THIS is my domain and I intend to use it to leverage my power.”
Asked to elaborate, Newsom continued: “I am going to fuck with these people and make them my dependents. By the end of September, none of them will have any idea how to make copies, where to exit for a fire drill, or whether or not their department chair is a crack dealer. It’s all about information and, bitches, I intend to control it.”